I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them