Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
me opening up to someone
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
dads on road-trips be like
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.