you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.