[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had