An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I think about this a lot
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese