[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Welcome to your 40鈥檚. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
mom: you鈥檙e grounded for today
me: i can鈥檛 wait until i鈥檓 an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANC脡: Yeah…hi
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
You can鈥檛 be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
馃ぃ
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Girl, same.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
It鈥檚 really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I鈥檓 glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn鈥檛 want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.