OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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So glad we cleared that up
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
The Compass
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*