Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Teach your children to beatbox
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
then why did i get this email
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that