Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend: