I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
choose your fighter
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
*cough*
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.