I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
🥶🥶🐶🐶
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Maths meets science
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*