It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Fries, not lies.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.