The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
You Might Also Like
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
stand with me against insufficient seating
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
This came to me in a dream.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar