Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
this could fix me
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”