You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
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“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it