so i’m at the stock market right
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.