[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I bet
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
12. I think about this all the damn time
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.