Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.