“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
thanksgiving in nutshell
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon