I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
the noise i just made