Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*