it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Love is in the air fryer.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Time heals everything 🙂
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway