If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
🦝🔥🦝🔥
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.