As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.