Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
You Might Also Like
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.