There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary