I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Poetry is my passion
i dont have time for this
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
6. me as a lawyer
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”