(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
everyone’s a critic
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I will cook for you
-me, threatening