I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra