Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot