This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house