*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.