Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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United Steaks of America
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
She was REALLY feeling it.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Very problematic
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.