*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders