love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.