Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
No Google it does not
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
It be like that sometimes 😆