To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
You Might Also Like
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me