A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Blew out my flip flop…
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”