“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.