DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.