[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever