10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT