You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.