Never be a pizza!
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something