[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.