“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
pizza
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Breaking news:
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
oh my god
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
So creative 😂
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow