I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead