Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.