A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.