When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.